I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
you had me at cake vodka
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
