glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
No awkward lesbian experiences without me
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
