mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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