dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
