dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
