Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Randomize
