she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
