separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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