Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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