the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I just heard a girl say "We can't go that way, it is a one way street." She was on foot...Nothing worse than girl from the midwest that move to NY to "live out their dream" -the dream of living in a rat and roach infested 200sqft for $2k a month, and get fucked by some recent Ithaca college frat grad...
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Randomize
