god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
