I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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