I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
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