Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Randomize
