What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize
