Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Randomize
