its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
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