Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
what the fuck happened to the tacos
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