so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
