I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
