I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Randomize
