I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize