Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
