Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
