I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
