dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
