How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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