Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize