My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Blood and glitter go together right?
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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