Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
