i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
