dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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