Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
