He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
