Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
