ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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