Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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