I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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