no, he came in my armpit
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
