Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
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