I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
