My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
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