I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
