be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I need a beard to bite.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
