we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
