My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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