wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
i love accidental penises.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
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