Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
