I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
