This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
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