Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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