Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
