I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
