porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
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