your parents love me but you hate me
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Randomize
