Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
not ubering you a puppy
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
