Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
